Thursday, May 24, 2007

Start Looking For a Husband at 25

冬冬 posted a post about a book that claims that a woman's life is determined at her 20's and it really resonates with me. Why? Quite some girls that I know don't act practically at their 20's and I feel that they're jeopardizing the happiness of the rest of their lives. Because of this, I decided to write a post on this topic.

Call me a old-fashioned guy or anything you like, I always think that a woman's greatest happiness comes from her family. From her husband, from her children, from her grandchildren. A woman having great success in her career without a happy family is just, hmmmm, incomplete to me. This doesn't only apply to women; despite the importance people put on a man's career, a man's life also is incomplete without a happy family.

If you agree with me, you may ask "How do we build a happy family then?"

To build a happy family, you'll need to find the right husband/wife. Yeah, good parents don't always bear good children, but parents who love and respect each other seldom have very bad kids. Most problematic kids' parents are problematic in some way themselves.

So, the next question would be "How do we find the right husband/wife?"

Actually, I don't have an good answer to this question, and I believe no one has a complete answer. Instead, I'd like to answer a small portion of that question: the time a woman should start looking for a husband. And here's my claim:

"Women should start looking for the right husband seriously at age 25"

Why 25? Let's explore in the following.

Fertility problem

I'm not an expert in health's issues like this, but from all the research that I've done, women's fertility drops after the age of 30. In addition, babies are more likely to have birth defects such as Down's syndrome as the ages of the mothers increase.

May have more than one kid

From what I've seen, most parents have more than one child. So, it's better for a woman to have her first kid before 30 so that she's some time to prepare for the second kid.

Energy needed to look after the kids

Although I don't have a kid yet, I'm pretty sure that looking after a child can easily be more than a full-time job. If a woman bears children at younger ages, she will have more energy to look after her kids. The generation gap between the kids and the parents will also be narrower in this case.

Don't want kids? But "good" men are usually family men

If you don't plan to have kids, you'll say that it's not a problem for you.

I'm not sure what your definition of a "good" man is, but is there any good men whom you've meet before who's not a family man at the same time? Family man, to me, would be a man who loves children. How great the conflict would be if your husband wants kids and you refuse? I think that's an issue big enough that can lead to a divorce.

(Sidetracked a little bit, I always wonder how a couple can decide to have no kid if they're able to:
  • How boring is it for only you two to live together for so many years? Only two people at home all the times.
  • We don't know where we'll go after we die. If you choose not to have kids, you'll never have a chance to feel how it's like to be a parent or grandparent in your whole life.
A family without any kid just doesn't feel like a family to me)

And you say that you don't need a "good" man...

Well, if he's not a good man, how likely do you think he will be a good husband?

Good men are welcome by women and so are probably "occupied"

Let's go back a little bit. Assume you don't argue with me and agree that you do want to marry a good man.

I don't know what you definition of a good man is: rich, smart, handsome, caring, responsible, humorous, you name it. But whatever definition you've, it's likely that many other women share the same thought.

As a result, a good man is usually welcome by women and so he probably already has a girlfriend, if not a wife. If he has a wife, end of story. If he has a girlfriend, especially a steady one, it's unlikely that he'll break up with her girlfriend and be with you.

Why? Because, in additional to loving kids, good men are usually responsible people. If he's responsible, he probably won't give up a girlfriend who he's been with for a some years, unless he just cannot stand her in some way (and, if that's the case, he wouldn't have been with her a in the first place).

And, most importantly, if he would give up her girlfriend to be with you, how can you be so sure that you're not the next one?

So, we need "unoccupied" good men then?

Yes, I think so. In general, the older a man is, the more likely that he's already committed to a woman. People usually hang around with people at their ages, so start looking early means that your potential choices are younger too, which in turn means that they're more likely to be unoccupied.

You're serious doesn't mean that it'll work out

Alright, you find a good man and you're serious about the relationship and you want to marry him.

That doesn't mean that it'll work out the way you wish.

If you start to be serious at age 25 and the relationship fails, you can easily be at age 26 or 27. If you're not serious until 30, you can imagine how much time you have. It's wise to give yourself some buffer time to nurture a successful relationship.

Knowing a person takes 2 to 3 years

To find out if the relationship is going to work out, you need to spend some time get to know the man you're with. A man might treat you so well in the beginning but ignore you when the passions fade. My intuition tells me that this process takes around 2 to 3 years. If you start looking around too late, you may only have one or two "2 to 3 years" to spend.

But you say that meeting a good man is fate, nothing can be done

Alright, I agree that meeting the beloved one is fate, to a certain degree. If you're trapped on an island with no man and you can't figure out a way to escape, of course you won't meet a good man, period. But that's not your situation. I believe that something can be done, such as getting to know more friends.

Don't just hang around with the same group of people all the time. If there's no good choice in your group, you should get to know some new friends, especially those whom you think that good men will hang around with.

And even it's fate, there's still something to be done

Even it truly is fate, do you think your "good" man will fall for you if your "market value" is so low? Remember, good men have choices. Whatever you can think of that will attract good men, work on it. Read books, learn good postures, dress up pretty, you name it. And, talking about pretty, you'll just be less pretty as you become older. You sure you want to wait until 30+?

Come on, don't be so serious! You'll lose a lot of fun

Some girls may say that they'll lose lots of fun to be that "practical" at their 20's. Well, I think that's a problem of how much you can delay your happiness. From what I've seen, successful people are usually the ones who can delay their gratification. Furthermore,
  • 10 years of happiness at the 20's with lots of freedom but unhappy for the rest of the life because you can't find a good husband
  • 10 years of practical thinking (maybe not as happy) at the 20's and happy for the rest of the life because you find a good husband
Which one will you choose? I'll choose the later one without any doubt if I'm a girl. How about you?


  1. One thing I should say about this post is that when I claim something to be true, I just mean that in most situations I think it's true. It's an issue of probability. There will always be exceptions that conflict with certain claims.

    For example, my friend told me that women can actually start looking for a husband even earlier, such as 18. A 18 year old girl can be more mature than a 25 year old woman. Yup that can be true. However, in most cases, we become more mature when we grow older.

    So, although the main purpose of this post is to encourage women not to start looking for a husband too late, I don't think it's a good idea to be serious when they're too young either. 18 year old just seems to be too young to me in most circumstances.

    Leave a comment if you have other thoughts :)

  2. Anonymous10:56 AM

    So we should reasonably expect one or two little Katie(s) some time very soon? -- Fung

  3. Haha not very soon, but I really would like to have two kids, preferably one son and one daughter :)

  4. I think there are a lot of women who are doing it in reverse order in America. They find a boyfriend at young age and have kids. Then find a husband later when they get older. There are also other options like having someone else you bear your child, with your sperm and egg.

    I do totally support bearing your own child naturally after marriage.

  5. Thank you for your comments Raymond.

    I've not known any female friend who bears kids when she's young and look for a husband later on. However, I think that's a pretty bad idea:

    - she won't be financially and mentally prepared if she bears children when she's too young

    - many guys will probably hesitate to be with a woman who has kids

    I should probably write another post named "Don't Look For a Husband until 25" for the other side of the audience :)

  6. I actually do know friends who want to look for women with kids! I think it's wierd but a man has got to do what's best for him hahaha..

    Though you rarely see this kind of mentality in Chinese community. Probably only Americans heh.

  7. Wow I've never had any friend who prefers women with kids, that's pretty weird.

    I think it's human instincts for someone to have the desire to bear his/her own offspring. Biologically speaking, the purpose of life is to survive and reproduce. So not having offspring is kind of against nature to me :P

  8. what you've said is true, but there is another factor on that. On a given land, it can produce certain amount of food for a population. If the land produces more than the population needs, the population will grow faster. However the population will stop growing at certain point, which is the threshold of the land can supply.

    I think at a big city like LA, we are very close to the threshold, or should I say we don't make enough to support more children. Thus a lot of people will consider have less or no children.

  9. Yeah I understand what you said. It's so expensive to bear kids these days, as you can see from my other post about everyone needing at least 2 million in their lifetimes. Despite this, I'm pretty sure I'll have kids.. :)


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